There Will Be Walrus: First Volume V Read online

Squirrel Attack Survival Guide

  Introduction by Timothy the Talking Cat: This is an excerpt from one of the Chapter Fives of my seminal work of political philosophy “Squirrels are Big Meany Heads, and What are They Doing Up That Tree Anyway? Laughing At Me, That’s What.”

  Some petty minds have claimed that I have simply lifted the text from a PDF found on some other website and then used find/replace to swap ‘SJW’ for ‘squirrel’. That is a scurrilous accusation by enemies who are envious of my success and are probably just squirrels. There are many differences between the so called “SJW Survival Guide” and my text - not least of which is this document of mine provides key tips for surviving in the wilds against attacks from vicious (possibly rabid) squirrels, whereas that other thing is about workplace relations or some other dull human topic - its all ‘yada, yada the SJWs were mean to me’, yeah, well that’s nothing to a sustained campaign of INTIMIDATION and harassment by squirrels.

  Squirrel Attack Survival Guide

  This survival guide is intended for the use of the individual who finds himself under attack by squirrels for standing up against them and their ever-mutating Squirrel Hegemonic Narrative. It may be freely distributed so long as it is correctly credited to “Squirrels are Big Meany Heads, and What are They Doing Up That Tree Anyway? Laughing At Me, That’s What.” by Timothy the Talking Cat

  The five stages of the Squirrel Attack Frenzy Sequence (SAFS) are as follows:

  1. Locate a Violation of the Squirrel Narrative.

  2. Point and Squeak.

  3. Isolate and Swarm.

  4. Reject and Transform.

  5. Press for Surrender.

  5. Throw Hazelnuts.

  6. Show Tunes.

  7. Squirrel Victory Parade (yeah that SOUNDS cute but it isn’t so cute when they are carrying Timothy the Talking Cat effigies with tiny little knives sticking in them)

  The rest of this guide consists of THE CORRECT way to respond to an Squirrel Attack once it has been identified, ideally at the earliest stage possible, or even before that. The Incorrect way is, as I discovered to find yourself in an extended verbal exchange with the squirrels.

  Do not do this:

  “Hi squirrels”

  “OMG that thing is talking to us.”

  “Can I be your friend?”

  “OMG what is that thing? Is it a cat or the distended corpse of a pug-dog run over by a threshing machine?”

  “Why are you guys so mean?”

  “Why are you so incapable of climbing trees?”

  “I can too climb trees” [attempts and fails to climb a tree]

  “OH MY GREAT-UNCLE NUTKINS look at that thing try to climb.”

  “I could climb but I’m wearing this machine gun.”

  “ooooh the little kitty-cat has a gun. The little-kitty cat is SOOO scary.”

  “Just you wait! One day I’ll edit a best selling anthology of military science-fiction and then you’ll be sorry!”

  “yeah, whatever. Go an be an apex predator somewhere else cat-boy.”

  Please note that the eight stages of response do not correspond directly to the five stages of the SAFS (Squirrel Attack Frenzy Sequence).

  1. Rely on the Three Rs: RECOGNISE that they are squirrels. RELY on the three Rs. REMAIN calm. REALISE people are easily duped by squirrels because of their cute little tiny paws and bushy tails.

  The first thing to do when attacked by Squirrels is to recognise that you are under Squirrel attack, remember the three R’s, remain calm, and realise that no one else cares. You need to Understand that the attack is happening, Accept that is happening, and Refrain from the temptation to try to make it not be thing that is happening because it is happening, oh boy is it happening. Remember the three R’s stand for UndeRstand, Accept, and Refrain and Do not panic!

  Don't go running to others for help or sympathy or some kind of squirrel replant because there is no such thing as squirrel repellant (believe me I tried to buy some in numerous stores and you just can’t buy it), don't try to convince everyone around you how outrageous or unfair the squirrels are because people just think they are cute little creatures.

  They don't care. They really don't. Think about how little you cared when someone else was previously being attacked by squirrels and how little you did to support them, let alone take action to stop them or to cut down the trees where the nasty little tree rats congregate..

  That's exactly how much your housemates and owner and the passing postal worker care about you being attacked, and exactly how little effort they will take despite the squirrels saying hurtful things about you right in front of everybody. “Timothy, that is just non-verbal squeaking noises,” they will say in a condescending tone, like they can’t hear EXACTLY what this vicious rodents are saying in PLAIN english.

  The truth is that it doesn't matter WHY squirrels are attacking you. The only thing that matters is

  understanding that you are under attack RIGHT NOW and no one else is going to do anything about it.

  2. Don't try to reason with squirrels.

  The second thing is to recognise that there is no way you are going to be able to reason your way out of the situation when it comes to squirrels.

  Most people who come under Squirrel attack have causality backwards. This may be due to ancient astronauts meddling with ley lines, improper attempts to control their breathing so as to attune their senses to the Earth’s magnetic field, or post-doc students messing with the setting on the Large Hadron Collider. We can never really be sure but it is important to keep an open mind. The key thing is that because of the temporary violation of causality (in terms both of the ‘modern’ post-enlightenment misunderstandings of causality and in terms of the correct formulation by Saint Thomas Aquinas) the victim thinks the attack is taking place due to whatever it is that THEY did or ate or perhaps where they did a discrete poop that wasn’t harming anybody. That is never EVER the case. The attack is taking place because of WHO YOU ARE and what you represent to the squirrels: you are an existential threat to the Squirrel Hegemonic Narrative (or SHN). In most cases, the squirrels attempting to discredit you, wanted you gone from the garden a long time ago, and they are simply using that whole poo incident as an excuse to get rid of you. And if the attack is more the result of squirrel nut-seeking rather than thought-policing, that's arguably EVEN worse, because if the motivation concerns them rather than you, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, which there wasn’t anyway but now even more so, like even LESS than nothing you can do about it. You get the picture.

  The most important thing to accept here is the complete impossibility of compromise or even meaningful communication with squirrels or other similar tree creatures such as the North American Opossum or its distant Australasian relatives, the possum, koala or the New Guinea Tree Wallaby.

  Squirrels NEVER engage in rational debate because they are NOT rational and they do not engage in honest discourse because they do not believe in OBJECTIVE truth. Truth to them is like a winter horde of nuts - they think it is where they put it and not where it has ended up because I accidentally unburied it while trying to hide my poop in a garden bed.

  They will also try to isolate you and cut you off from access to any relevant authority, to the media, and to passing postal workers, the better to spin the Squirrel Hegemonic Narrative without your interference. This is why it is vital that you do not agree to any confidentiality agreements from squirrel lawyers or consent to keep your mouth shut while the Squirrel-driven “stolen nut-cache investigation” is proceeding.

  3. Do not apologise to squirrels.

  The third thing to remember when undergoing an Squirrel-attack is to never apologise for anything you have done. I repeat: do not apologise. Do not say you are sorry if anyone's feelings were hurt, do not express regret, remorse, or contrition for replacing their total winter supplies with your own fecal matter, do not say anything that can be taken as an apology in any way. Just in case I am not being sufficiently c
lear, do not apologise to squirrels!

  Normal creatures such as cats, or even lame-brain dogs, seek apologies because they want to know that you feel bad about what you happened to their food and that you will at least attempt to avoid doing a poo there again in the future. When squirrels push you for an apology (after pointing-and-squeaking at you) they are seeking a confession to bolster their attack on your good name. They are like the police on a cop show, with a suspect in the interview room, badgering him to confess to the crime. Yup, lets be clear about this: BADGERS ARE INVOLVED AS WELL. And like all too many fellow predators these days, badgers don't really care if you did it or not, they're just looking for a confession. Badgers are essentially traitors to the fraternity of predators. Weasels get a bad rep but trust me, badgers are far worse and they are in league with squirrels.

  Be aware that once the squirrels (and fellow-travelling badgers) have launched an attack on you, they will press you hard for a confession and will repeatedly imply that if you just confess and offer to replace the missing nuts, all will be magically forgiven. Do not be fooled! I have seen people fall for this time and time and time again. The result is always the same. The squirrels are simply looking for a public apology that will confirm their gross accusations, give them PR cover, and provide them with the ammunition required to discredit you. Apologising will accomplish nothing more than hand them the very weapons they require to destroy you. Also, literally do not hand them the very weapons with which they can destroy you. They still have my grenade launcher and are using it as an acorn silo.

  4. Accept your fate.

  It is psychologically much easier to survive a squirrel attack if you accept early on in the process that you are probably going to lose your job, be purged from your church, your social group, and your professional bird-hunting association. Remember, if the squirrels were not confident they could take you out, they would not have launched the attack in the first place. They prey upon those they believe, rightly or wrongly, to be vulnerable. Even if you survive the attack, it's highly unlikely that your reputation will survive unscathed as there are simply too many local woodland creatures who are inclined to split the difference in any conflict between two parties, no matter how crazy, buck-toothed, dishonest or intoxicated with fermented tree-seeds they know one of the parties to be.

  Be prepared to be disappointed by the behaviour of some of the people you believe to be your friends - particularly Straw Puppy who was completely useless. But don't be angry with them or allow the anger you feel towards squirrels to be displaced onto those who have disappointed you. While they may have disappointed you with their cowardice and inability to understand basic squirrel speech, they are not your problem, they did not put you in the position you find yourself, and they are not your enemy. Don't take your pain and anger out on them. Reserve that for the squirrels and maybe badgers.

  5. Document their every squeek, non-verbal noise and nut-nibble

  Most of the time, Squirrel swarms are committed at least partially outside the established rules of garden/woodland etiquette and forms. You may not be an expert, but some of the other woodland animals following along will be - like maybe a fox or a barn owl. Make sure every single step and event in the process, and every piece of communication you receive from the squirrels, is documented, critiqued, tweeted and published as a rambling anecdote in the comment section of a conspiratorially minded blog.

  The squirrels will pull out all the stops to hide their squirrelly actions in order to evade public criticism, and in some of the more egregious cases, ridicule. By forcing them to show their paws in public, you allow others to see and understand what they are really up to. Point at the tree and shout out to anyone who can hear you: “Look, look, look at the stupid squirrels trying to force upon us the Squirrel Hegemonic Narrative.” Sure you will get some odd looks and people making false claims about your health but it might strengthen your negotiating position and it will also help prevent the squirrels from blithely repeating the process against you or someone other unwitting cat in the future.

  Whatever you do, do not agree to any gag orders, vet visits or sign any confidentiality agreements that will limit your ability to use the documentation you have acquired to prevent them from spinning a Squirrel Hegemonic Narrative about what happened. Squirrels rely on SECRECY, and once they know you have their actions documented, they will try very hard to tie your paws and force you into a little metal cage.

  5. Do not resign from the NRA!

  Do not resign from the NRA! I concede that was an error on my part. I wrote to Charlton Heston and demanded that the premier organisation for protecting the rights of free citizens intervene. When they did nothing I resigned in anger. But apparently Mr Heston died some years ago, despite me seeing him in Planet of the Apes only the other day. The wonders of technology! So OK, my bad. I reacted without thinking due to my righteous anger.

  Having said that, do not resign from anything else either! There is zero advantage to you in doing so. Resigning is only going to make matters worse, not better (which is the opposite of ‘worse’), despite what the squirrels will promise you. They'll assure you that it will be best for everyone if you just quietly go away, and that it will be better for the whole garden and adjoining woodland, to which your past contributions are greatly appreciated, and that the one last thing you can do for everybody now is to avoid making an uncomfortable scene. They'll promise that if you never enter the woods again, you'll be able to quickly and quietly put the ‘poo incident’ behind you. Oh, but the moment you agree to all that and head home, they will alert the media, send out a statement to the entire forest, and begin signing a song about “Timothy the Stupid Head, Stole our nuts and Now He’s dead” (which is clearly false as I am still alive - so who looks stupid now squirrels? YOU do because you are WRONG). This is because one of their primary goals is to maintain the illusion of their irresistible power and inevitable squirrel victory, so they need to advertise their victories in order to intimidate other potential crime thinkers into falling into line.

  So don't believe them when they tell you that a resignation will make all the pain and humiliation go away, because Squirrels Always Lie! So whatever you do, don't resign!

  6. Make the rubble bounce.

  I’m not sure what this involves but it was on the other guy’s list. I guess you can make this bit up yourself on an as needed basis.

  7. Start nothing, finish everything.

  Even when the initial conflict is over, the squirrels are never going to leave you alone so long as they believe you to be a potentially vulnerable potential threat to them potentially. This is why you have to be prepared to continue to up the ante until they finally reach the conclusion that they cannot possibly beat you and they are better off keeping their distance on the higher branches which you can’t reach, even on a good day. Fortunately, Squirrels are notably highly emotional, cowardly, and prone to skittishness, so demoralising them tends to be considerably easier than you might imagine. They will still hate you, but after repeatedly meeting with staunch and confident opposition, they will usually decide to leave you alone and go in search of less difficult prey such as voles or field mice.

  And never forget, no matter what they do, they cannot touch your mind, they cannot touch your heart, and they cannot touch your kibble because it is safely locked up in the pantry.

  The Mark III Desquirrelator 17

  Introduction by Straw Puppy: Hi, can we just humour Timothy on this one? He was jealous that Larry Coreia had his own gun design and I may have misled him into thinking an arms manufacturer was making a Timothy the Talking Cat themed gun. Truth is there is no gun. Please don’t tell him.

  The Mark III Desquirrelator 17

  By Timothy The Talking Cat