There Will Be Walrus: First Volume V Read online

  If You Were Yet Another Pastiche of ‘If You Were A Dinosaur, My Love’, My Love

  Introduction by Camestros Felapton: Felapton Towers monitoring station is staffed 24 hours a day by highly trained cyber-weasels. Piggy-backing on NSA surveillance systems, they carefully monitor the world’s Internet traffic for critical intelligence. We cannot fully confirm the authenticity of what follows but I am assured by the head cyber-weasel that the transcript is ‘largely’ accurate.

  If You Were Yet Another Pastiche of ‘If You Were A Dinosaur, My Love’, My Love

  By Various Authors

  VFM#8762 So we start with the basic phrase “If you were a dinosaur my love…” but we swap in some other word for dinosaur.

  VFM#9051 Dinosaurs are cool. Can it be about a dinosaur?

  VFM#8762 Sort of missing the point there 9051. The story is already about a dinosaur - we want to change it something else.

  VFM#1009 Objection. The story is actually an insult to the genre of science-fiction. It is not about dinosaurs but rather it is an expression of the racist ideology of radical feminism, which like some Jim Crow era KKK discrimination but rearmed at the ‘class enemy’ of the white male, seeks to silence the voices of anybody but the liberal feminist elite of modern academia.

  VFM#8762 Noted James. My point is the story already has a dinosaur in it. We have to pick some OTHER thing so as to make a parody of the story. You understand.

  VFM#9051 Can it be a pterosaur?

  VFM#8762 Again, something other than a dinosaur.

  VFM#5020 Pterosaurs aren’t dinosaurs, Simon. They are flying reptiles.

  VFM#3888 “Were flying reptiles” I think you mean…

  VFM#5020 OK, fair point. They were flying reptiles. A flying dinosaur would just be a regular bird.

  VFM#9051 Great! Lets have a pterosaur.

  VFM#8762 No, no, no. It doesn’t matter whether a pterosaur was a dinosaur or not. We are trying to do a parody not just swap in one extinct lizard for another.

  VFM#5020 Technically the dinosaurs were not lizards…

  VFM#8762 IT DOESN’T MATTER. Look, it has to be something topical, something funny, something that mocks the Squirrels. You understand?

  [murmured agreement ~ a whispered voice says ‘Did he say just say ‘squirrels’ or SJWs?’]

  VFM#8762 OK, lets go round the table and we’ll each suggest a thing.

  VFM#3888 Oh, erm, a cat maybe? The SJWs obsess about cats?

  VFM#5020 A safe-space! If you were a safe-space my love! We can parody that, like how they are all scared of everything.

  VFM#1009 The inherent discriminatory theory that underlies the racist group-think of the so-called ‘establishment’ feminazi academic propaganda machine, typified by the usurpation of higher-education into ‘lesbian studies’ as a means of systematic discrimination against men.

  VFM#9051 Oh, I know! A wooly mammoth.

  VFM#8762 Seriously dude, you are taxing my patience.

  VFM#5020 I think he has as much right to make suggestions as anybody. We don’t censor people here.

  VFM#8762 Yeah, well if I get another f_ckin’ prehistoric monster from that gamma shitstain I’ll censor him right in the mouth.

  VFM#3888 OK, cool down guys. Let’s get this done. I say we go with ‘safe-space’? Anybody disagree?

  [murmured agreement]

  VFM#8762 OK, so we start with “If you were a safe-space, my love, you would…”

  VFM#3888 Would what?

  VFM#8762 That’s what we work out next. Something stupidly SJW.

  VFM#9051 um, ‘would keep me safe from hetero white males’?

  VFM#8762 You’ve redeemed yourself there 9051. That’s the first line done “If you were a safe-space, my love, you would keep me safe from white males.” OK next line, we start with “If you were a safe-space, my love…”

  VFM#9051 We just did that bit.

  VFM#8762 We do it again. We start each new section with that same phrase.

  VFM#3888 Anaphora

  VFM#9051 Who’s she?

  VFM#1009 I bet she is another one of those man-hating radical separatist lesbians who base their poisonous ideology on the cult of women-studies as a mechanism for the systematic suppression of Western Culture as a sacrifice on the altar of cultural relativism and the satanic sacrament of diversity.

  VFM#5020 It’s a kind of Greek vase isn’t it?

  VFM#8762 Can we focus please people? We need another thing to go after “If you were a safe space my love…”

  VFM#3888 OK, something to rhyme with male?

  VFM#9051 Jail!

  VFM#5020 Whale!

  VFM#8762 It’s not a poem, it doesn’t need to rhyme.

  VFM#3888 Not all poems rhyme.

  VFM#5020 He’s right you know.

  VFM#1009 By manipulating the narrative and commanding the heights of the imperialist leftist hegemony the lesbian feminist cabal seeks to maintain power at the expense of the normal, non-deviant male.

  VFM#9051 repenomamus! It was a porto-mammalian synapsid that lived…OWWW!!

  VFM#8762 LAST WARNING!

  VFM#9051 My nose is bleeding!

  VFM#5020 Jesus, 8762 you didn’t need to punch him.

  VFM#8762 I’ll punch you if we don’t get this f_ckin’ parody finished.

  VFM#1009 The feminist controlling forces…

  VFM#8762 [sighs] James, I respect your insights and your scholarship and your in-depth knowledge of feminist theory but seriously? Right now I just do NOT need some more f-cking word salad rant about lesbians.

  VFM#5020 We do not censor people here. James has an important contribution to make.

  VFM#8762 Can we JUST get this finished? Right? Is everybody done? No more diversions, no more questions, can we just get this thing DONE?

  VFM#5020 OK

  VFM#3888 hmm, maybe

  VFM#8762 So what now?

  VFM#3888 It’s just, why are we bothering? Sure I know this story won a Hugo,

  VFM#5020 A Nebula, it only got nominated for a Hugo

  VFM#3888 OK, same difference…

  VFM#5020 Well one award is juried and the other is an open vote, so no, not really the same.

  VFM#3888 OK, let’s just say it got some attention from the literati but like, its what, two-three years old now? Haven’t all the jokes already been made? And seriously, look at us. We each have IQs that are at least two standard deviations above the rest of humanity and what are we doing? Trying to rewrite some story we didn’t even like. Where is the sense in that?

  VFM#1009 This is typical of a badger who virtue-signals he is an ally to radical lesbian feminists out of fear he’ll be Jonathan Ross-ed out of his own genre by the morbidly confused. See, I can read minds too. I just do them one at a time instead of claiming millions of white male adults in America are fearful racists merely for disagreeing with miserable squirrel supremacist jerks

  VFM#9051 Um, maybe it is just me but I really don’t understand what James just said. Did he say ‘squirrel’?

  VFM#1009 I am vicious. I fear the pleas to Disney for more squirrels. Let us just forget no one ever says that but self-appointed morons and the mobs of social justice gender squirrels. We speak in code out of fear of our true motives being uncovered. Oh, dear, I fear the loss of my white male centrality and no more manly white man stories for me and oh, whatever shall I do? This is a threat and I must sting.

  VFM#3888 Now that you mention it - I can’t make head nor tail of what he is saying either. I just assumed it was something critical of feminists. I usually just nod along as if I’m following it but really my mind just wanders.

  VFM#5020 I’d like to defend Jim’s right to express his values without censorship or disemvowelling by the liberal elite.

  VFM#3888 Yeah, but be honest, you don’t have a clue what he is saying either.

  VFM#5020 True, but the issue is his right to say it free from the dead hand of socialist oppression.

  VFM#8762 OK, you all had your last warning already - I�
�m out of here. You know I’ve worked my way up to be a full fledged Beta with strong aspirations to become an Alpha. I’ve got better things to do with my life than hang out with you gammas.

  [VFM#8762 departs]

  [a brief silence]

  VFM#9051 [reading] wow, this is really good.

  VFM#5020 what are you reading?

  VFM#9051 just this page from a magazine that 8762 left behind.

  VFM#5020 So what’s it about?

  VFM#9051 Well this woman’s boyfriend gets attacked by some thugs. The woman is all ‘boo-hoo’ because the guy is in a coma. Then she decides to imagine he is like some kind of massive tyrannosaur which hunts down the guys who beat him up. It’s great, violence, revenge, a giant t-rex.

  VFM#5020 A revenge-asaurus? Sounds fun. What’s it called…

  Great Battles in History: Thermopylae